Changes

{ January 15, 2010 @ 8:45 pm } · { Reflections }
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I haven’t written in a while, but my life has been so busy that some things just have to take a back seat sometimes. It was just before my 20th birthday that I wrote the last posts, which doesn’t seem so long ago, not much more than a year. However, thinking about where my life was back then, where my mind was back then, things have changed so drastically. It’s crazy how much things have changed in my life in such a short period of time.

Change is a funny thing. Sometimes something HUGE can happen so suddenly that your entire world is flipped upside down, but sometimes, you don’t even realize that things are changing until you look back and realize that you are in a completely different place than you were previously.

19 doesn’t seem like so long ago, and 22 doesn’t seem that far away, but there is a good three years in between those two numbers. 3 years means so much more than a number, than a length of time. It’s heartbreaks, sadness, disappointments, setbacks, death, birth, triumphs, happiness, and love. It’s changes in location, jobs, relationships, and ways of thinking; some changes that have already come, and some that are still on the way.

Back then, there would have been no way I could tell you what I would be doing now, and even if I had tried, I bet I would be enjoying a good laugh at that now. And now, I try to imagine what I will be doing in 10 years, 5 years, 3 years, 1 year, even a couple months from now, and I bet it won’t be anything like what I can imagine. All I can do is set goals and try to reach them, and then, when the time comes, change and adjust those goals to better fit my life as it changes.

Right now, most of my focus is going towards school and work, and just doing the best I can in both areas. I’m taking Ceramics on Mondays and Wednesdays, and Spanish on Tuesdays and Thursdays. As far as long-term goals go, I think just enjoying life, getting out of debt, continuing school, and getting a degree. I don’t know what life has planned for me. I don’t know what changes will come my way, and I don’t even know if I’ll be prepared for them when they come, but I do know that I’m just taking it one step at a time, rolling with the punches, and doing the best I can like everyone else.

Me and Relationships.

{ September 29, 2008 @ 10:57 pm } · { Relationships }
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Its something thats really been on my mind lately. I can say that I have been contemplating the advantages and disadvantages of both, knowing full well that either side will most certainly pose its own sets of pro’s and cons.

I have been single since I broke up with my high school sweetheart almost a year and a half ago realizing that even if he had stayed faithful in our relationship, it wasn’t going anywhere.  Since then I have chosen to stay single, not because of (or at least I don’t think it’s because of) trust issues, but because I came to the realization that I am a self sacraficing person. I realized that in my relationship I was blind to the sacrafices I was making, putting my own dreams and goals aside to help him acheive his.  I didn’t realize until after the relationship ended that though I had his best interests at heart, he never thought twice about mine. I was holding myself back. HE was holding me back.

Most people don’t end up marrying their high school sweetheart, and I can say in all honesty that I’m glad that I didn’t. Isn’t mine the typical high school story? One person is a year older and graduates while the other is still left finishing theri last year, one goes off to college and meets someone new, while the other is still at home with mom and dad. People grow up, and they grow apart.

Now, that being true, I have also realized, this was the scariest part of my relationship. Had he not treated me so poorly towards the end of our relationship, had he not cheated on me, I might not have grown up at all. I might not have put as much effort into finding a better Job, I might not be going to school, I might not have my own apartment, money in savings, dreams goals and aspirations. I spent so much time trying to make sure he was happy and to be there for him that I forgot about myself. Its all about balance, and giving 100 percent of myself to my partner is not a bad thing, but he has to give back or i’m left with nothing on my end of the scale.

There is no room for elfish in a relationship and being single I am free to be as selfish as I please. I can work double shifts, go to school, and sleep in because I have no obligations to spend time or be with someone other than myself if I so choose. I don’t have to consider another person before decising to take a promotion or a vacation. I don’t have to tell anyone that I’m going to a friends for the night and not coming home. I only have to answer to me.

Though to have a realationship means more work, it also means many good things. Loving someone, and knowing that someone loves you. Having someone to talk to after a long day. Having someone encourge and support all your dreams, to help you back up when you fall. Someone to lean on when things are hard. Getting butterfiles evrytime you look at them, having someone tell you that you’re beautiful and someone to hold you when you’re cold. Not to mention all the personal fun you can have. :)

Flirting with someone is a great feeling, having a crush on someone is a great feeling, being in love is a great feeling, but so is being single. There are times when I love being single and times when I wish I had someone to wake up next to. I have a tendancy to find something wrong with every man who seems even remotly interested in me, leaving me to wonder if my standards are too high. Is it to much to ask of a guy my age to be independant and responsible? I don’t want to date a guy who rely’s on me to pay for the date because he doesn’t have a job. I don’t want to be with a guy who needs me to drive him everywhere because he doesn’t have a car or lisence. I don’t want to be with a guy who has to make sure his parents don’t mind before inviting me over for a movie because he still lives in the basement. I definatly don’t want to be with a guy who approaches me with “hey sexy”, “hey baby”, or a slap on the ass. I don’t want a guy whose idea of a good job is working in the mall or flipping burgers at taco bell. I can’t see myself with a guy who doesn’t make education a priority or with somone that doesn’t have any long term goals for his life. 

It seems that every guy who talks to me is a looser or a creepy 50 year old man, and every man that I find myself interested in, doesn’t seem to hold the same intrest in me. Bummer. I guess its the story of every single girls life though right? I guess my dilema is wondering why I have chosen to be single so long. Is it because I am afraid that I will end up with someone who treats me poorly? Is it because I haven’t yet found a man that meets my standards and whose standards I have also met? Or hey, maybe I can’t see the whole truth. Maybe to the rest of the world I come off as a hateful groutchy scrooge. (though I don’t think the latter is true).

I know for now that until my prince charming comes along and sweeps me off my feet, I am completely happy being single and picky about the men I involve myself with.

I’m waiting on my fairytale.

Growing up

{ September 24, 2008 @ 12:05 am } · { Reflections }
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It occured to me today that I am growing up. There will be those of you that read this and say “19? You’re 19? Still just a baby!” and you’re not entirely wrong of course. I’m not here to say that I haven’t any more growing up to do, just that an important part of the proccess is almost behind me now.

It’s weird for me to look around at all the other people I’ve grown up with and see them getting married, having children, starting a new generation of little ones and realizing that I am now the “grown-up” to their little eyes. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was asking the “grown-ups” if I could play outside, cross the street, stay out past the streetlamps coming on, go to the afterschool dance, stay out past 10pm, and it suddenly went from asking permission to hey mom, i’ll be out all night, i’ll call you tomorrow, can I come over and do laundry and by the way do you want to meet for lunch on my break? And holy batman, you didn’t even realize that you havn’t watched saturday morning cartoons in 10 years. You suddenly realize that your living your 15 year-old-self’s dream of growing up, getting a car, moving out of your parents house, paying your own bills and supporting yourself. Oh yea, and you realize that it’s not all its cracked up to be. Suddenly 15 isn’t so bad.

The daily mistakes I make remind me of all the growing up that is still to come for me, and it is all to easy to dream about the future and everything that I want out of life. But there are those things that happen throughout your life that really make you stop and think about all the growing up you’ve done. Like your best friend having children, or others friends loosing their life to early, or once healthy grandparents needing so much care. You don’t even realize that things have changed until they already have. They’re so much different then they were and at the time all you could think about is how different you wish it was, but once its gone you only want it back.

So I’m making it a point to enjoy everything about my life, just as it is now. Look for the good in every situation, if only it being something I can learn. Not letting fear or anxiety stop me from trying new things and meeting new people. Not thinking about everything that could be better, and thinking more about how wonderful things are.

Someone once told me not to test the depth of the water with both feet, but I can’t see any reason not too. Growing up taught me how to swim.

Josie

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